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Evening of Ritual/Yoga/Meditation

I've forced myself to get back into meditation and yoga. For example this evening I came home for work and after evening news and a bite to eat I flipped-off the TV and cranked-up the iPod hooked to my surround-sound, and lit some incense and candles.  My goal was simply to meditate for a spell, then look-up my spirit guide(s) or at least The Light Goddess so that I can ask help in working through a sticking point in the plot of my book.  I ended-up doing a full ritual with tree breathing, setting-up the great cross-roads, and using tambourine and dancing around my meditation cushion as part of the invocation of the Goddess.  It has been suggested to me from two seperate and independent sources that I should seek inspiration from the Light God and Goddess.  Tonight it was the Goddess, and then later a sprit guide from my childhood. At one point I incorperated some yoga postures, and energy healing for my chronic headaches.   LOL I guess I did a little bit of everything.  The Goddess was reinforcing the message I got yesterday from one of the ancestors of men-who-love-men that it will be important to work toward nurtuering my creativity, and to also work to care for my physical, mental and spiritual bodies equally. 

An hour after starting this process I had completed the ritual, and meditation.  I gifted the offering to the Goddess back to the earth, and sat down with pen and blank paper.  Using a technique from the book "Writing from the Right Side of the Brain" I brainstormed about the sticky plot sequence in my book.  I think it looks pretty good when it's all said and done.  I'll still need to transform the patchwork of words on the paper to a linear sequence of events, but that's a process for another time.  I now managed to pick-up a netbook computer so I don't have to be tied to this desktop computer when writing.  That will help a lot.

I hope to get more inspiration at this weekend's fullmoon ritual. It's supposed to be a good moon for writting and publishing. Everything seems to be right on time.

Wish me well folks.

Daily Tarot Reading

On the day before my natal birthday I thought I'd ask myself and the oracle a significant question.

Q: Where arm I to go from here in my spiritual work?

Three-card spread.


XVII-THE STAR (hope; inspiration, generosity, serenity)

When grief and despair have overwhelmed you, know that there is hope, that there is light at the end of the tunnel. The star holds out the promise that we can eventually find peace of mind. She reminds us to open our heart and release our fears and doubt. If you are holding back, now is the time to give generously. although hope is inspiring, it is not a solution in and of it’s self. It is, however, an important beginning. With this card; know that you are on the right track. Your goals and aspirations are blessed, but you must take positive action. Let the light of the star guide you!



XIII-DEATH (ending; transition; elimination; inexorable forces)

Life is eternal in its essence though not in its form. Death is not the end of life, but a transition. This card indicates a great transition is at hand. The old way of perceiving must pass away in order to make way for a new way. Death is not a discrete event, but a continual process. We are forever renewing ourselves, We die to the present to give birth to the future. A significant loss can help you focus upon that which is really important and forget all the extraneous distractions that can lead us astray. Inexorable forces seem to rob us of our power and out destiny, but instead they force us to adopt new ways of thinking. We must reframe any loss, death or lack of autonomy as an opportunity to transform.



Five – Pentacles (hard times; rejection; ill health)

This card indicates a general lack of wellbeing. For me today I believe this lack of wellbeing is not of the spiritual nature as much as it is of the physical and perhaps monetary nature. In order to stay on track and achieve my goals, I need to spend some time to get my physical health in order. I must continue to watch out for my financial wellbeing and continue my efforts in that area. I have made significant strides in the area of spiritual development, and I need, now, to integrate that into a more balanced lifestyle. 



In general, hope is what always sustains me en all my endeavors. I CAN achieve my wildest dreams!!! My challenge is to be able to cope with the losses and setbacks. I need to take concrete steps toward managing my financial and physical health to bring those aspects of the whole self into balance with the spiritual health. 

LOL.... My SPIRITUAL work appears to be on track.  It is other areas of life that need attention in order for the spiritual work to come to fruition.  DAMMIT!!!  I have to admit that this makes complete sense.  DIET, EXERCISE, and FISCAL responsibility are in order.  It's so funny how the unniverse tells us what we already know and are trying to deny. 

Musings during travel.

Today is March, 9th, 2009 and I am current visiting at the home of a dear friend in Columbus Ohio. It is very cool and sunny outside and I’m sitting at a tall table in a tall chair typing on his laptop computer  in the dining room of his home.

I thought that, at this pint, it would be a good idea to make note of some impressions I have perceived recently. They were significant enough that I thought I should remember them.


The first one occurred on my flight from Mineapolis to Columbus on Friday evening on March 6th. It was evening and all that could be seen out the window of the plane was darkness with glittering patches of lights on the ground marking towns and cities. As I read my book, The Seth Material that side-chamber of my mind which was unoccupied with the reading process became aware that directly behind my seat was the restroom. But on another plane of existence that room was not a restroom, but a grand salon with marble floors and tall Corinthian columns. There was also a small body of water, such as a large bath tub or a pool, or koi-pond. Deeper into the room was a staircase of marble with no railings that slowly descended upward doubling back on it’s self. To where the stairs lead was unclear. Far into the room the floor stopped and past the edge of it there were clouds. The entire space was empty of life. 


My subjective mind attempted to make sense of this vision. All I could discern was that this was the place of Gods. The Light God resides here in this heavenly place. The stairs lead to the place of the Light Goddess. Neither were present in any tangible way. I understood that this physical place was for the benefit of my middle-world senses and that the Gods were/are everywhere. We simply assign them “place” to assist us in our perception. 


My other vision was during the first flight; from Los Angeles, to Mineapolis. I had the visual impression of loking through a glass window frosted with water condensation, and partially obstructed; perhaps by leaves of a vine. I could see the reclining body of a young man. His head was bowed, either he was looking at his body or perhaps he was asleep or in meditation. I could just see the upper area of his pubic region and the beginning of the base of his cock. The bottom edge of the frame of view obstructed the view of his entire cock. 

I'm not really sure what to make of these instances, but just wanted to record them for later reference.  They may make sense at some later date.

my guides speak

A shift has occured in me and my time clock.  I have never considered myself a morning person but lately, I'd say in the last few months, I have found myself increasingly getting up earlier and earlier on week day mornings.  My motivation for doing so is most often that I want to read and meditate or consult the oracle.  I often awake with a particular question or issue that needs resolution and I have the sense that the solution is waiting for me to discover it.  Specifically that the solution or significant information regarding that issue is at hand in that moment.

This morning was one such morning.  I had started re-reading a book that I read about 20 years ago.  Upon reading this book the first time my life was changed.  My perspective on the relationship between my physical existence and the spiritual world was amplified.  This morning I got the message from my guides through the reading and my subsequent processing of the information.  I applied the information in the book on mediumship to my current level of spiritual development along those lines. 

I was just recently struck with the reality that the Tarot can speak to me.  That awe is subsiding and the message I get is that divination tools are simply that; tools.  They will not be my primary channel through which I receive guidance.  They can be very useful in sparking the flame, but at some point they become a limiting factor.  The information must flow unimpeded and divination tools only allow a slow flow of bits and pieces of information. 

I can't exactly express what I learned from this process today other than what I have just stated.  But there is more.  The storm-clouds of devine inspiration are brewing overhead and it is only a matter of time until they burst forth with a life-giving shower of information and guidance.

Writing project

Sometime around 20 years ago I got the desire to write.  I realized that I had a drive in that direction that could not be ignored.  I remember walking on the sidewalk on Fountain avenue, south side of the street heading east when I was struck with the realization, the certainty, that I would someday be a published writer.  At that moment a parking sign mounted on a metal post started to shake.  I was convinced that this was a sign that my "realization" was valid.  Later of course I understood that in California we have frequent tremors, most of which go unnoticed.  Well so be it, but for me the timing and the fact that I noticed it at THAT moment was good enough for me to consider it a legitimate sign from God.

In the ensuing twenty years I have dabbled around writing about this and that mostly for my own pleasure.  I did get published once.  LOL it was a letter to the editor to a porn magazine.  Not so much to speak of and I sure wouldn't write home to Momma about it, but yet it was interesting seeing my words in glossy print.

In the last two or three years I have attaind a greater spiritual awareness and am led to write about something that will be of significance to our existence on this planet.  That's rather grandiose I suppose, but then we all affect the universe in one way or another.

My most recent discovery (or rediscovery) has been that I can not only speak to God but I am learning new and better ways to LISTEN to God as well.  It seems to me that all the ministers of all the churches I ever went to spoke often of prayer and sometimes even about "getting guidance" from God.  What I don't remember is any of them talking about how it is exactly is it that you get messages back from God.  I wonder now if there is a logical reason for the missing information.  I have noticed that so many people go about all week without much spiritual awareness, and then on Sunday morning they are suddenly listening to the minister hoping for that devine message from God. 

Their spiritual deafness the rest of the time, and their abdication of their right and their ability to listen to God, ensures that the minister always has a job.  I suppose this arrangement serves a certain purpose.  It allows the parishioner to not have to think, or do the work of seaking and listening.  The speaking, listening, and spiritual guidance is contracted-out to the priest or minister.  For this he/she gets paid.

I accept the fact that there are many sheep and only a few shepards, but I think that, too many times, spiritual muteness and deafness that exists in the flocks of sheep make it too easy for the all-to-human shepards to run amock and the entire flock becomes imperiled.

I think there are many more people who are able to listen and get guidance directly from God than who are actually exercising that ability.  Turely we are not normally encouraged to use that ability.  To the contrary it is often overlooked or out-right discouraged.  How many times have we heard that using divination tools are the "tools of the devil."  Now there is a tired old stand-by. 

Thus-in lies my personal mission with this current writing project.  I will chronicle my life and get stories from others as well to describe how it is that we listen to God, how we discovered the ability and what methods are used to accomplish this Devine Dialogue.

Wish me luck and may the Dieties guide me; for without their guidance and without the input of others no goal can be attained.


My Dionysian Love Affair.

Last evening Feb 15, 2009 I attended a performance presented by and performed by a Queer Cult of Dionysius.  The whole point of the production was to feature all the Queer Gods and Goddesses.  After the circle was cast the first God to enter the arena was Dionysus himself who also served as moderator.  He delivered his monologue with pointed and biting grace.  He then reached down behind the table containing all the props later to be used.  He pulled out a bottle of wind and a glass.  He continued orating a dialogue which beautifully demonstrated the "Ultimate Girly-man."  Very true to the deity he portrayed.  He slowly and with long deliberate fashion-model strides circled the room pouring a glass of wine.  He stopped and stared at one of my brothers impishly.  "Do you sing?!" he demanded? The brother replied, "Badly."  Dionysius said "Then perhaps you can find your voice at the bottom of this class! Drink! Then sing!  The brother dutifully downed the glass of wine and then started singing (badly indeed) at which the God said "enough." 

Dionysus then introduced a string of other Queer Deities who delivered monologues about their Queerness.  Very lovely indeed; yet I was steady thinking of  "what will I do if Dionysius offers ME a glass of wine. " Would I drink it?  I would be on the spot.  I CAN'T drink it. I may not be able to stop drinking once I start.  Within a few moments I had both a splitting headache and an acceptable response should the glass be thrust in my direction.  I would respectfully say that "I humbly partake of the spirit but not the substance as I have an allergy to wine and anything else containing alcohol."  I would then "respectfully pass the opportunity to partake of the divine elixir and offer it to my dear brother or sister."   I felt pride and relief that I had finally arrived at an appropriate response which I will be able to use for the rest of my mundane life in the pagan community.

Too bad the headache was getting worse.  I then simply had to leave the room due to the pain and I was aware that I was also hungry.  Nearly 24 hours later I realize that leaving the room was probably a diplomatic blunder.  This was due to the fact that a circle had been cast and the cone raised.  If I had been so fortunate to have thought of this I may have managed to remain for the entire performance.  Yet alas my mind was not exactly clear.   I grabbed a ham and cheese sandwich in the lobby of the host hotel and walked through the cool drizzle of rain to my hotel room where I downed another pair of Ibuprofens and ate the sandwich.  After closing my eyes for a half hour of so I recalled the response I had come-up with and got up to write it in my journal.

After looking over what I had written I had more ideas.  I realized that from age 20 through 31 my relationship to alcohol had been rather like riding a wild stallion.  I fancy calling it "Spirits: the wild Dionysian stallion."  Since Dionysius is the God of wine (among other things), I will now reframe my history with alcohol in this manner.  This stallion gave me the fun and excitement that I needed.  He gave me courage and what I thought of as social grace; of which I had none otherwise.  He gave me the ability to go places and do things I had hitherto been unable to do.  Because of my previous repressions and oppressions of my true nature I needed Him (spirits) in order to feel truly human; as if I actually had a valid place in the universe. 

I took that wild stallion and rode Him whether he wanted it or not.  He carried me through the bleak and utter dismal existence that I called life after coming out to myself, God and my family.  For many years I never made the five hour drive to my parents home (my home) without my Equine Companion.  I always arrived with courage and pride to be myself in spite of my parent’s disdainful opinions of my newly found "lifestyle." 

No need to go into much more detail. You get the picture.  The thing is that Dinyionisus (though I had yet to know his name) carried me through very rough times.  Had it not been for Him I would have surely committed suicide.  It did occasionally cross my mind.  After all; who would care.  Perhaps they would be happier without me.  But yet I was having fun.  I was like the boy turned-loose in the candy store.  I sampled, ate, and often made myself sick on all the different types and flavors of MEN!!!!!  For as dismal as those times were there were equally fun times.  I was GAY and PROUD!!!

After some years the places the stallion took me were beginning to loose their luster.  When I was in my early 20s it was rather cute to get shit-faced, act a fool and puke.  Later on it started wearing thin with all my friends and even with me.  I began to realize that once I had mounted that stallion I had no idea where it would take me or how far or how long the journey would be. 

I began to wonder who was riding who.  I asked myself "am I the rider or the ridden?"  I quickly realized that I was the one being ridden and it was not really fun anymore but I didn't know how to stop.  Did I walk away?  NO!  I embraced my role.  But only a short time later I realized that I was utterly and completely, morally and spiritually bankrupt.  The only friends I had remaining were those to drank as much or more than I.  This was not a pretty picture.  Oh don't get me wrong.  I still had the good job, a car, and my lover.  I had gotten no DUIs either.  Dionysus had taken good care of me.  At last the stallion and I came to an agreement; a detent.  I would no longer attempt to tame that wild stallion and he would no longer take me for a bronco-riding thrashing.  HA!!!  

At this point in my writing of this story I realized that I should have no fear.  Neither Dionysius nor anyone truly channeling or aspecting him would ever offer me a drink let alone demand that I take it.  He would simply look into my eyes and recognize me as his old lover.  He would see that his continence is imprinted upon my soul and I certainly would see my imprint on him. 

I like the often used statement; "I am no longer a practicing alcoholic.  I am a retired professional."  For many of those drinking years I thought of myself as a victim.  A victim of homophobia and a victim of unloving parents and a cold and heartless religion.  I felt cast-out.  Now I am no longer a victim but instead a victor. I am victorious over the dis-ease of alcoholism.  One day at a time I remain victorious.

I continue to search for that place of belonging.  My current spiritual family is absolutely wonderful.  Human and imperfect, and yet wonderful.  

I just have one question for the entire Pagan family.  What do we do with those of us who have already had this love-affair and who have ended it.  The love affair with "spirits."  Like any disease alcohol and other substance dependence knows no boundaries.  We need a place where we are loved for who we are.  I wonder if perhaps it is to be my task to raise awareness of our presence in the pagan family. 

Dream work

Last night, actually early this morning, I dreamt that I was in a space with the spirits of several dead people.  A priest was expressing concern that I may be freightened by this.  I just said, "No.  It's really rather exciting."  Yet there was a certain feeling or uncertainty. Recognizing it as doubt and fear I immediately awoke.  I stayed awake long enough to review the dream in my mind, and I repeated the process as I went to the bathroom to releive my bladder. Then back to sleep.  As I was falling back to sleep I got the impression that this was a sign that it is time for me to do more spirit contact work.

I also dreamt that I went to visit a friend who recently had a baby and bought her first home (on her own as a single mother).  She was not at home, but her mother was.  I asked if Mariko was there and she did not, but Mariko's father was arriving and she called his name as if she would ask him the wherabouts of Mariko.  Funny; she called him a name that sounded more greek.  Can't remember it, but I recall trying to repeat the name once I awoke.   I think this is simply indication that I need to check-in with my friend.  She and I can't exactly explain why we are friends 11 years after graduate school. Especially since we weren't really friends untill AFTER graduation.  Life has many curious surprises.  :)


Devotional Ritual to the Light Goddess

The evening of December 14th I executed this ritual which was just what the doctor ordered for me.  

I filled my glass bowl with filtered water,  and closed my eyes in meditation.  I acknowledged and honored my pain, sufferings, and sadness.  I breathed them out of my body and into the water turning it a murky brown/black.  It reminded me ot the gunk that comes out of the plumming when a drain backs-up. 

I then went outside under the full moon.  Allowing the moon's light to hit the surface of the water I prayed to the Light Goddess with the words given me:

Radiant queen of the countless stars above, pale-faced lady who knows of love and pain; take this sludge of pain and siffering and fill it with your healing light.  Devour my sickness, and pain; suffering and sadness and shower me with pleasure and vitatality.  Burn away the falsehood I've drunk for too long, that I may instead drink your sweeb nectar all the days of my life.

Praying these words I felt the Light Goddess behind me, and felt her radiant spirit flow through me taking away all imperfect perceptions and filling me with her loving radiance.  I felt it tingling as it ran down my arms, through my hands, and into the water.  Like clouds parting to allow the moon to shine the water became clear and filled with the moon light.   As it cleared I noticed it passed the point of simply being clear and clean as it began to glow.  It got brighter and brighter until it was no longer a bowl of water but instead a glowing orb of energy. 

Holding this glowing orb I began drinking it.  Doing so with the understanding that it was further cleansing my body and soul.  I felt it glowing and sparkling as it passed through my throat into my stomach.  From there it passed into my limbs and into my head causing an enourmous sense of peace and calm.

I offered my gratitude to the Light Goddess and then went about my affairs of the evening.

Hail and praise to the Light Goddess and all she symbolizes.

Thought provoking extracts...

I'm still in the process of wading through ( aka; reading) "Memories, Dreams, Reflections by C.G.Jung.  The book is the autobiography of Jung.  These are a couple extracts from this work which strike me as profound. I'm about 80% through the book and there have been so many moments like this for me, but I just decided to document these. 

"The need for mythic statements is satisfied when we frame a view of the world which adequately explains the meaning of human existence in the cosmos, a view which springs from our psychic wholeness, from the co-operation between conscious and unconscious.  Meaninglessnes inhibits fullness of life and is therefore equivalent to illness.  Meaning makes a great many things endurable--perhaps everything.  No science will ever replace myth, and a myth can not be made out of any science.  For it is not that "God" is a myth, but that myth is the revelation of a divine life in man.  It is not we who invent myth, rather it speaks to us as a Word of God......."

The below extract curiously discusses the exisistence of polarities:

"Just as all energy proceeds from opposition , so the psyche too possess its inner polarity, this being the indispensable prerequisite for its aliveness, as Heraclitus realized long ago.  Both theoretically and practically, polarity is inherent in all living things.  Set against this overpowering force is the fragile unity of the ego, which has come into being in the course of millenia only with the aid of countless protective measures. That an ego was possible at all appears to spring from the fact that all opposites seek to achieve a state of balance.  This happens in the exchange of energy which results from the collision of hot and cold, high and low, and so on.  The energy underlying conscious psychic life is pre-existent to it and therefore at first unconscious.  As it approaches consciousness it first appears projected in figures like mana, gods, daimons, etc., whose numen seems to be the vital source of energy, and in point of fact is so as long as these supernatural figures are accepted.  But as these fade and lose their force, the ego--that is, the empirical man--seems to come into possession of this source of energy, and does so in the fullest meaning of this ambituous statement:  on the one hand he seeks to seize this energy, to possess it, and even imagines that he does possess it; and on the other hand he is possessed by it."